Joys of motherhood

January 7, 2009 § 7 Comments

A major change has occurred in my life in the form of my son. Even before I started fantasizing about my Mr.Right and my dream guy, I had been dreaming about having a baby. This dream finally came true.

I have heard women say that they burst out crying when they see their baby for the first time. I was expecting something on the same lines, but when my baby was all wrapped up and placed on my chest, I hardly felt anything. I was still under sedation, but I know that is not the reason. Even otherwise, it took me quite some time to acknowledge this new addition to my family and to actually feel any motherly love. While my husband was staring at our baby and gushing, I felt a pang of jealousy. Why wasn’t I feeling anything towards my own baby? Was I not a good mother? After going through 24 hours of labor pain, shouldn’t I be jumping with joy that my baby has finally arrived? That motherly feeling came when I nursed my baby for the first time. He sucked a few times and promptly fell asleep and when the sister said, ‘For him this is the safest place, that’s why he fell asleep’, I couldn’t help but cry. Finally, I was a mother.

Since then, there have been some wonderful moments of motherhood. When my baby wakes up and stares into my eyes, I can almost imagine him crying out ‘Amma’. I am at bliss when he is nursing. When he sucks and takes a gulp and gives out a satisfactory ‘hmmm’, I feel so warm inside. He clutches at my finger so tight as if to say ‘I am scared. Please don’t leave me alone’. I feel great that a tiny little being trusts me the most in this world, but at the same time, I am scared whether I can live upto his expectations, whether I can really protect him from this evil world. When he responds to my or my husband’s voice and turns to see where we are, we just can’t help but feel proud for having this little bundle of joy. When he smiles in his sleep, I feel good that he likes this world enough for him to smile. I am waiting for that day when he will actually smile at me. Till then, I don’t mind staring at him all the time while he is asleep just to catch that little smile on his lips.

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